I Can Be A Cool Uncle

It is now mid February 2012 and I have yet to put up anything here. Nothing too remarkable happened thus far until the last weekend when a couple of friends and I went to Kuala Lumpur and ate everything there, twice (thanks to a couple of great new friends). But that's for another post as I need to get the photos we took while I did the nasty (?) in KL.

So, today I shall be sharing with you all a new WTF moment of my life in 2012. My brother and his girlfriend.

Now, my brother was never the sentimental, mushy type of a man. Although he was quite emotional especially when I made him tear up by whooping his ass in Street Fighter 2. Even now he refuses to play anything competitively with me in video games.

When my bro told me he has a stable GF, I was THRILLED! I am happy for him, and also selfishly can't wait for him to settle down and give me cute nephews/nieces to play with. I am one of those that love kids as long as it's not mine. Every time my brother wants to share with me anything on his relationship, the first line out of my mouth is always "Is she preggo? Did you knock her up???"

Once we even have this conversation on Facebook when he posted a picture of him and his GF eating Pizza:

Me: GET A ROOM

Bro: we ARE in a room... eating pizza

Me: I want to be an uncle so get on it! I am prepping myself by reciting the line "say uncle... SAY UNCLE!"

Bro: I will teach my kids to say "moochy moochy"

Me: That's fine they are welcome to mooch from me as long as you don't lie to them and say you are saving it up into a make believe "college fund" like all Chinese parents tell their kid.

Bro: Even if I am a billionaire I will still tell them to say "ding ding ding ding ding" (like a cash register)... on principle

Me: As long as they use the $ to buy candy and video games I am fine with it.

Bro: Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding

Once I thought it would be nice for all three of us to hang out, until they started pinching each other's cheeks in public. I screamed "awww I don't want to see that!!" and promptly whisked myself away to find a friend instead. AND, on Valentine's day my bro put up a picture of a shot with their hands only with a relationship couple's ring.

Almost made me want to find my bro's GF and yell "WHO ARE YOU WOMAN AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BIG BRO! By the way, are you preggers?"

Sniff sniff my older brother is all grown up.

What Is He Doing Every Night????

I am back to single and the aftermath is as follows:

Wrists are sore.

Fingers are sticky.

Chronic fatigue.

Lower back is aching.

Sleepy during the day.

Can't wait to get home and open up my TV/monitors and get into my couch groove during the night.

Increase usage of kleenix.

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It's from playing video games, you sicko. Increase usage of kleenix is from allergy.

Skyrim/Assassin's Creed/Zelda Skyward Sword/Mario 3DS/Mario Kart/Saint Seiya overkill just happened and it is still happening.

I Almost Farted Myself Out of Shanghai

I had a business trip to Shanghai area last week. As always, business trips suck, and this one wasn't any different.

One of my biggest problem of traveling to the Mainland is I do not like their food. China is vast so maybe it was the region that I visited that was the problem. Food over there (in Shanghai-Kunshan-Suzhou) are generally greasy and on the sweet side. Every night after I return to my hotel room after a full dinner, my stomach wants to kill me.

The first night, we met up with our customer and we went to a hot pot place. The soup base used a dark boned chicken (don't know the technical term), and local spices. It was very greasy and salty. Since we didn't sit down until almost 9PM and had no food in between since our lunch airplane food, we were famished! We ordered some extra hot dishes and stir fries, they all turned out extra greasy and spicy.

Our client, a female local, was basically laughing at our wussy stomachs for not being able to handle the food. She watched us in amazement trying to filter out the oil from the pot, and asked the waitress to add boiled water to dilute the very salty soup. According to her, she has never seen anyone do that eating hot pot. In Taiwan, we do it ALL THE TIME. One dish was literally, pork slices in a plate of oil. According to the client, the more oil the better.

I asked her if she'll tell her friends that she just had a strange hot pot experience with weak stomached Taiwanese. She quietly nodded, and said "no wonder Taiwanese people live longer". I do not know if that's true but it makes sense. If I eat like they do for a month, you can probably harvest diamonds from my organs.

One other rant, Shanghai airport sucks. More specifically, the restaurant there sucks. We couldn't get the more convenient flight to the domestic airport HongQiao, so we had to land at Pudong which supposed to be Shanghai's international airport.

My colleagues and I went to this ramen noodle place. It took them 45 minutes and at least 7 tries to get the four bowls of ramen noodles we ordered correctly. We also ordered side dishes which never came. The waitress gave us two plates of tofu which we never ordered. After we told her we ordered something else, she just put those two plates of tofu onto the dividers between tables and left us alone!

After 30 minutes of hurrying telling and asking them for our dishes, the manager came over to see what's going on. When we told her that our side dishes were still missing, without saying a word, she took the two plates of tofu that was sitting on the divider for the past 30 minutes, and put it on our table.

Back in Taiwan we probably can see the news editorials bash our own airport for being shoddy cuz of construction, for poor services, or for unreasonable meal prices. One of the most common rhetoric we hear all the time is that the airport is the front door of a nation, and this is the first & last impression we are leaving our visitors. Judging from my experience from Shanghai, we have nothing to worry about! I like the educated people in China, they are generally very easy going and approachable. Now if only they can improve on the service industries of their urban cities, I actually wouldn't mind working or living there. IF!

Excuse Me While I'm Jogging

One of my weekly exercise routine is I try to jog at least three times a week for 30~40 minutes each. I find jogging to be the only way I can isolate my thoughts completely to myself because well... hard to think about anything else when I'm gasping for breath. I'd like to jog longer but like all things I usually find them boring after a while and had to stop out of boredom. Although the park I jog in is quite large with a 2km perimeter, I still find it boring after seeing the same thing over and over again.

One thing I find though, is I tend to pass gas A LOT when I'm jogging. On average, I fart about every 15 seconds. And when you are gasping for breath and iPod is pumping music into your ears, discretion is out the windows. I don't even care if there are people around me, I just let it out which ever way my body deems fit.

Yes, this is a fart topic. And don't tell me you don't fart because everyone farts. Farts are also extremely hilarious. We all laugh when we hear farts. We'd cover our noses, but under our palms we are gigging because someone just farted.

I really don't know why I fart like this. My current theory is my body is producing gas as way to give me a mini boost in speed. Like when you get a mushroom in Mario Kart.

All this talk of passing gas is making me want to make number twos, so that's all for this post before crap my pants.

Tyrion Bitchslaps Joffrey

Watched Game of Thrones marathon a few weeks ago.

Just thought I'd share this from the obligatory hate @ Asshat Joffrey.

McDonald's and Monopoly Tagged Team Me

F U Mcdonald's and your goddamn promotion. I used to be obsessed with the Monopoly board game and I love McD. When they introduced the stupid promo game as I was growing up in Toronto, I was glad that my anal Asian parents would not let me touch the fast food more than once a month, nor had I the money. Otherwise I would be all over it like a fat kid.

Now the stupid goddamn promotion game have invaded Taiwan and I was totally looking forward to it. Yes I know the probability of me getting the actual winning card I need to get a complete set is near zero. Yes I know the there is probably just one grand prize card on the entire island and it is probably someone near the most obscure mountains.

But SHIT it's McD and Monopoly!!

And what do I have to show for? I only won ONE spicy chicken sandwich. ONE!!! I hate you McD. I hate you too Monopoly. I shudder to think what's going to happen next year with the London Olympics.

Good thing I still workout hard enough to fit in my 29inch waist pants. No thanks to you Ronald.

NO ONE CARES!!!

Rant on Social Networking

I like social networking sites, I frequent Facebook, Twitter, and others to read up on interesting things from other people's lives.

Except they are not mostly interesting.

Seriously, why do people find the need to broadcast every meal or every event of their lives for people to click "like" with??

How many "Daddy I love you, happy Father's Day" have I seen today? I bet 90% of those dad's don't even have a Facebook account, or they can't see the well wishing message because they are probably blocked anyways.

Or things like, "Grandma passed away, RIP grandma...I miss you." Really? Your beloved Grandma died and you are posting an I miss you post on FB?? This to me it less of an affection for Grandma but more of an "LOOK HOW GREAT I AM" post. Seriously, if there is an afterlife I'd rather sip Mai Tais baking under the sun on some fluffy cloud then finding a computer to check my FB account. That sounds like hell. Now what kind of people wishes their beloved family member to hell?

And all the food and hundreds of vacation pix, oh my GOD stop. As Betty White said on SNL, "seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment." Time to sit down for another Aunt Patty & Selma's vacation photo slide shows!!!

Maybe I should invest in a website with the URL www.nobodycares.com

/rant

Blog Revival! YES!

I decided to write blogs again!!! Rejoice the whole two of you who used to read this blog (i.e. George and the dude that Googled Man Periods). Why am I doing this after all this time? Because apparently work has unblocked Blogger and Facebook and other social networking domains, and I am bored at work. Shhhhhhh.

It's great that work has unblocked Facebook. Because after all, we all have iPhones or equivalents with unlimited data plans and can access any site any time. Even the IT dudes are using it and clicking "Like" all over the place during work hours. On the other hand, people at the management levels are also on Facebook and adding lowly minions from the company to their friends list. I did not want to add them but apparently I was one of the few holding out and I still want my fat paychecks so I caved.

Then this happened:

Me on Facebook

"DIE YOU STUPID HQ FAT LARD STOP YOUR STUPID BIZ TRIP TO TW!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!" or something similar. Several of my colleagues clicked "Like" and we were all called to the meeting room the next day.

We weren't in trouble but our team manager just said to be more careful and asked me to delete the post from my wall.

Le Sigh... which is also why I came back to writing my blog. I WANT A PLACE TO BITCH, YO!

Anyhow, this will end my first comeback post. I don't know how frequent I am going to write new posts, but if needed I will just put up cute pictures of my dog, Sir Fobbington A.K.A Fobby the Fob Dog. He is my baby and he is awesome and stupid at the same time and I love him.

Yes I am one of *THOSE*

Most F-ed Up Dream Ever

Last night I had the worst dream ever. I don't know if I should call it a nightmare but it was just overall a very bizarre and gross dream. I was grossed out when I woke up and wanted to stay in a fetal position crying, but I was too afraid that I would fall asleep again and the nastiness would recur.

To start off, my dream of course began with me trying to study for all of my final exams from the first chapter to the last in one day. Except this time they were for high school and the subjects were music and mathematics. I was alarmed when I woke up because high school was easy for me. I played played played and could still get a high enough of an average to warrant full scholarship in my first year at the university, which of course the university promptly suspended in my second year.

Next, my dad came into the room and told me I stink and forced me to take a shower. The next part of the dream was me trying to pick out clothes but being indecisive because apparently I was to attend a friend's bday party. I think I did that for a good 30 minutes. Don't ask me why.

So I was enjoying myself at the party and forgetting all about the exams, until my current coworker who was on the other side of the planet when I was in high school, came up to me telling me it's exam time. Oh snap! I remember walking towards a bus stop and tried to figure out which stop I should get off of to get myself to school. I guess in my dream I never attended classes. I think I did that for another 30 minutes until my coworker decided to drive me there meanwhile going over with me the meeting agenda for next week's marketing-promotional meeting at work. Makes no sense whatsoever.

When I got to school, the nasty-ness started. I was at school. My teacher who I think is one of the characters on LOST, showed the class a TV program. I will just simply tell you what the program is about in one sentence.

"Japanese girls laying fish eggs on TV and put them into a jar to compare the sizes and later give them to the audience members as souvenirs".

I think I just violated some criminal laws by just typing that sentence out. It was really really really nasty, and even my dream-self was extremely grossed out. I remember they all lined up holding out their jar, and the contents look like salmon roes but much bigger with various colours...and odours!

I want to puke as I'm typing this out right now.

Then the grossest thing ever happened. This one girl went behind one of those hospital screens with an empty jar and started laying eggs LIVE! I heard this...long diarrhea sound and the audiences were screaming "SUGOIIIIIII" with admiration and she came out with one huge jar of salmon roes. HUUUUUGE ones! I wanted to throw up all over the place and then I woke up almost peed my pants from the horror.

The only explanation I have is I'm too stressed out and emotionally I am not in a good state for the past week. In all seriousness, one day after I got back from Japan's business trip two weeks ago, I had a very disappointing turn of event in my life. I do not want to get into the details but... when you are ready to put on a great effort to fix something that went wrong; when you think if you can work out the problems with maturity and expect the result would come with happiness and satisfaction so you are all hopeful and determined... then you are quickly and coldly shot down, it really puts you into a lonely state of isolation and depression with some mind fuck.

Also I think the fact that I was laughing at this company named OVUM TECHNOLOGY yesterday had something to do with the dream.

Life goes on, with the best you'll never had.

Haha someone works for OVUM hahaahha.

28!

Alrite I realize this blog is a massive fail because I don't update at all. But seriously, twenty-seven kinda sucked. So now, I turned twenty-eight a few weeks ago and since then I've passed out twice from drinking. Way to start my second last year with a 2 in front!

So for my birthday I had the usual dinner with friends and party with binge drinking. My friends were out to get me that night, and by 1AM I already felt hammered. I drank way too fast and the memories for the next two hours were whirlwinds in a beat up washing machine.

Things I can remember:

1) My shirt's buttons were ripped by NiNi (friend & male hetero sister), and I was semi-topless at a high end club.
2) Taking ugly pix with my friends and getting lap dances from each.
3) Calling a friend that couldn't come and bitched while squatting outside the club like I was taking a dump.

Things I cannot remember but there are photographic evidences:

1) I smoked. (I can't smoke. I have supreme sensitive gag reflexes. Last time I smoked I ended up in a hospital a day later with acute bronchitis from choking.)
2) I was licking a co-worker's leg.
3) I took off my shoes and fed it to NiNi.

A week later, I was shipped off to Tokyo for a business trip. The trip was pretty uneventful, and I walked from Tokyo train station to Tokyo tower because I'm obsessed with Namie Amuro's song "Baby Don't Cry" (check Youtube). I wanted to walk around Tokyo just like she did workin it. Once I reached Tokyo Tower, I was massively disappointed. There are no open area that you can see the tower from afar, and I did not feel like going up there alone.

So when I proceeded walking back to the hotel (it was at least a 1hr walk one way), I noticed this dude drinking beer on the street. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN DO THAT! I'm pretty sure in Toronto it's illegal to drink booze on the street openly. So, to get into the Tokyo culture, I went to a 7-11 and bought me some beer. I had an empty stomach, and the walk back was totally enjoyable.

Drinking on an empty stomach, that's how I roll.

Towards the end of my walk I tried to find a cheap restaurant, which I did. It was one of those ticket vending machine ramen ricebowl place, and as always the food was awesome. It took me 5 minutes to decide what I wanted, and I stood in front of the machine like an idiot until this waitress came and provided assistance. I think she had the hots for me.

Finally, last week another friend's bday and we booked a love motel with a private small pool. Theme of the night was still binge drinking.

Pix Here:


People passed out on top of wet sheets, puking, etc. etc. etc. In the end there were still four left standing with two unopened bottles of wine. The final four played rock/paper/scissors, loser drinks and swims. Next day all four of us found scrapes on our leg/arm with no regrets.

After three weeks of half assed exercising, I wanted to get back into shape so I went back to my routine that includes "interval cardio training", which is you semi sprint for 90 seconds, walk for 60, semi sprint a bit faster for 90, walk for 60, then repeat the whole cycle 4 times. It ended up like this:

Sprint-Sprint-Sprint-Walk-Walk-Walk-Sprint-Sprint-Sprint-Jog-Jog-Jog-DRY HEAVE!!!!!

Stray dogs were looking at me thinking "wtf is wrong with you dude!" So after that, I decided it's time to quit drinking.

For at least two weeks.