I Can Be A Cool Uncle

It is now mid February 2012 and I have yet to put up anything here. Nothing too remarkable happened thus far until the last weekend when a couple of friends and I went to Kuala Lumpur and ate everything there, twice (thanks to a couple of great new friends). But that's for another post as I need to get the photos we took while I did the nasty (?) in KL.

So, today I shall be sharing with you all a new WTF moment of my life in 2012. My brother and his girlfriend.

Now, my brother was never the sentimental, mushy type of a man. Although he was quite emotional especially when I made him tear up by whooping his ass in Street Fighter 2. Even now he refuses to play anything competitively with me in video games.

When my bro told me he has a stable GF, I was THRILLED! I am happy for him, and also selfishly can't wait for him to settle down and give me cute nephews/nieces to play with. I am one of those that love kids as long as it's not mine. Every time my brother wants to share with me anything on his relationship, the first line out of my mouth is always "Is she preggo? Did you knock her up???"

Once we even have this conversation on Facebook when he posted a picture of him and his GF eating Pizza:

Me: GET A ROOM

Bro: we ARE in a room... eating pizza

Me: I want to be an uncle so get on it! I am prepping myself by reciting the line "say uncle... SAY UNCLE!"

Bro: I will teach my kids to say "moochy moochy"

Me: That's fine they are welcome to mooch from me as long as you don't lie to them and say you are saving it up into a make believe "college fund" like all Chinese parents tell their kid.

Bro: Even if I am a billionaire I will still tell them to say "ding ding ding ding ding" (like a cash register)... on principle

Me: As long as they use the $ to buy candy and video games I am fine with it.

Bro: Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding

Once I thought it would be nice for all three of us to hang out, until they started pinching each other's cheeks in public. I screamed "awww I don't want to see that!!" and promptly whisked myself away to find a friend instead. AND, on Valentine's day my bro put up a picture of a shot with their hands only with a relationship couple's ring.

Almost made me want to find my bro's GF and yell "WHO ARE YOU WOMAN AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BIG BRO! By the way, are you preggers?"

Sniff sniff my older brother is all grown up.

What Is He Doing Every Night????

I am back to single and the aftermath is as follows:

Wrists are sore.

Fingers are sticky.

Chronic fatigue.

Lower back is aching.

Sleepy during the day.

Can't wait to get home and open up my TV/monitors and get into my couch groove during the night.

Increase usage of kleenix.

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It's from playing video games, you sicko. Increase usage of kleenix is from allergy.

Skyrim/Assassin's Creed/Zelda Skyward Sword/Mario 3DS/Mario Kart/Saint Seiya overkill just happened and it is still happening.

I Almost Farted Myself Out of Shanghai

I had a business trip to Shanghai area last week. As always, business trips suck, and this one wasn't any different.

One of my biggest problem of traveling to the Mainland is I do not like their food. China is vast so maybe it was the region that I visited that was the problem. Food over there (in Shanghai-Kunshan-Suzhou) are generally greasy and on the sweet side. Every night after I return to my hotel room after a full dinner, my stomach wants to kill me.

The first night, we met up with our customer and we went to a hot pot place. The soup base used a dark boned chicken (don't know the technical term), and local spices. It was very greasy and salty. Since we didn't sit down until almost 9PM and had no food in between since our lunch airplane food, we were famished! We ordered some extra hot dishes and stir fries, they all turned out extra greasy and spicy.

Our client, a female local, was basically laughing at our wussy stomachs for not being able to handle the food. She watched us in amazement trying to filter out the oil from the pot, and asked the waitress to add boiled water to dilute the very salty soup. According to her, she has never seen anyone do that eating hot pot. In Taiwan, we do it ALL THE TIME. One dish was literally, pork slices in a plate of oil. According to the client, the more oil the better.

I asked her if she'll tell her friends that she just had a strange hot pot experience with weak stomached Taiwanese. She quietly nodded, and said "no wonder Taiwanese people live longer". I do not know if that's true but it makes sense. If I eat like they do for a month, you can probably harvest diamonds from my organs.

One other rant, Shanghai airport sucks. More specifically, the restaurant there sucks. We couldn't get the more convenient flight to the domestic airport HongQiao, so we had to land at Pudong which supposed to be Shanghai's international airport.

My colleagues and I went to this ramen noodle place. It took them 45 minutes and at least 7 tries to get the four bowls of ramen noodles we ordered correctly. We also ordered side dishes which never came. The waitress gave us two plates of tofu which we never ordered. After we told her we ordered something else, she just put those two plates of tofu onto the dividers between tables and left us alone!

After 30 minutes of hurrying telling and asking them for our dishes, the manager came over to see what's going on. When we told her that our side dishes were still missing, without saying a word, she took the two plates of tofu that was sitting on the divider for the past 30 minutes, and put it on our table.

Back in Taiwan we probably can see the news editorials bash our own airport for being shoddy cuz of construction, for poor services, or for unreasonable meal prices. One of the most common rhetoric we hear all the time is that the airport is the front door of a nation, and this is the first & last impression we are leaving our visitors. Judging from my experience from Shanghai, we have nothing to worry about! I like the educated people in China, they are generally very easy going and approachable. Now if only they can improve on the service industries of their urban cities, I actually wouldn't mind working or living there. IF!

Excuse Me While I'm Jogging

One of my weekly exercise routine is I try to jog at least three times a week for 30~40 minutes each. I find jogging to be the only way I can isolate my thoughts completely to myself because well... hard to think about anything else when I'm gasping for breath. I'd like to jog longer but like all things I usually find them boring after a while and had to stop out of boredom. Although the park I jog in is quite large with a 2km perimeter, I still find it boring after seeing the same thing over and over again.

One thing I find though, is I tend to pass gas A LOT when I'm jogging. On average, I fart about every 15 seconds. And when you are gasping for breath and iPod is pumping music into your ears, discretion is out the windows. I don't even care if there are people around me, I just let it out which ever way my body deems fit.

Yes, this is a fart topic. And don't tell me you don't fart because everyone farts. Farts are also extremely hilarious. We all laugh when we hear farts. We'd cover our noses, but under our palms we are gigging because someone just farted.

I really don't know why I fart like this. My current theory is my body is producing gas as way to give me a mini boost in speed. Like when you get a mushroom in Mario Kart.

All this talk of passing gas is making me want to make number twos, so that's all for this post before crap my pants.

Tyrion Bitchslaps Joffrey

Watched Game of Thrones marathon a few weeks ago.

Just thought I'd share this from the obligatory hate @ Asshat Joffrey.

McDonald's and Monopoly Tagged Team Me

F U Mcdonald's and your goddamn promotion. I used to be obsessed with the Monopoly board game and I love McD. When they introduced the stupid promo game as I was growing up in Toronto, I was glad that my anal Asian parents would not let me touch the fast food more than once a month, nor had I the money. Otherwise I would be all over it like a fat kid.

Now the stupid goddamn promotion game have invaded Taiwan and I was totally looking forward to it. Yes I know the probability of me getting the actual winning card I need to get a complete set is near zero. Yes I know the there is probably just one grand prize card on the entire island and it is probably someone near the most obscure mountains.

But SHIT it's McD and Monopoly!!

And what do I have to show for? I only won ONE spicy chicken sandwich. ONE!!! I hate you McD. I hate you too Monopoly. I shudder to think what's going to happen next year with the London Olympics.

Good thing I still workout hard enough to fit in my 29inch waist pants. No thanks to you Ronald.

NO ONE CARES!!!

Rant on Social Networking

I like social networking sites, I frequent Facebook, Twitter, and others to read up on interesting things from other people's lives.

Except they are not mostly interesting.

Seriously, why do people find the need to broadcast every meal or every event of their lives for people to click "like" with??

How many "Daddy I love you, happy Father's Day" have I seen today? I bet 90% of those dad's don't even have a Facebook account, or they can't see the well wishing message because they are probably blocked anyways.

Or things like, "Grandma passed away, RIP grandma...I miss you." Really? Your beloved Grandma died and you are posting an I miss you post on FB?? This to me it less of an affection for Grandma but more of an "LOOK HOW GREAT I AM" post. Seriously, if there is an afterlife I'd rather sip Mai Tais baking under the sun on some fluffy cloud then finding a computer to check my FB account. That sounds like hell. Now what kind of people wishes their beloved family member to hell?

And all the food and hundreds of vacation pix, oh my GOD stop. As Betty White said on SNL, "seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment." Time to sit down for another Aunt Patty & Selma's vacation photo slide shows!!!

Maybe I should invest in a website with the URL www.nobodycares.com

/rant

Blog Revival! YES!

I decided to write blogs again!!! Rejoice the whole two of you who used to read this blog (i.e. George and the dude that Googled Man Periods). Why am I doing this after all this time? Because apparently work has unblocked Blogger and Facebook and other social networking domains, and I am bored at work. Shhhhhhh.

It's great that work has unblocked Facebook. Because after all, we all have iPhones or equivalents with unlimited data plans and can access any site any time. Even the IT dudes are using it and clicking "Like" all over the place during work hours. On the other hand, people at the management levels are also on Facebook and adding lowly minions from the company to their friends list. I did not want to add them but apparently I was one of the few holding out and I still want my fat paychecks so I caved.

Then this happened:

Me on Facebook

"DIE YOU STUPID HQ FAT LARD STOP YOUR STUPID BIZ TRIP TO TW!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!" or something similar. Several of my colleagues clicked "Like" and we were all called to the meeting room the next day.

We weren't in trouble but our team manager just said to be more careful and asked me to delete the post from my wall.

Le Sigh... which is also why I came back to writing my blog. I WANT A PLACE TO BITCH, YO!

Anyhow, this will end my first comeback post. I don't know how frequent I am going to write new posts, but if needed I will just put up cute pictures of my dog, Sir Fobbington A.K.A Fobby the Fob Dog. He is my baby and he is awesome and stupid at the same time and I love him.

Yes I am one of *THOSE*

Most F-ed Up Dream Ever

Last night I had the worst dream ever. I don't know if I should call it a nightmare but it was just overall a very bizarre and gross dream. I was grossed out when I woke up and wanted to stay in a fetal position crying, but I was too afraid that I would fall asleep again and the nastiness would recur.

To start off, my dream of course began with me trying to study for all of my final exams from the first chapter to the last in one day. Except this time they were for high school and the subjects were music and mathematics. I was alarmed when I woke up because high school was easy for me. I played played played and could still get a high enough of an average to warrant full scholarship in my first year at the university, which of course the university promptly suspended in my second year.

Next, my dad came into the room and told me I stink and forced me to take a shower. The next part of the dream was me trying to pick out clothes but being indecisive because apparently I was to attend a friend's bday party. I think I did that for a good 30 minutes. Don't ask me why.

So I was enjoying myself at the party and forgetting all about the exams, until my current coworker who was on the other side of the planet when I was in high school, came up to me telling me it's exam time. Oh snap! I remember walking towards a bus stop and tried to figure out which stop I should get off of to get myself to school. I guess in my dream I never attended classes. I think I did that for another 30 minutes until my coworker decided to drive me there meanwhile going over with me the meeting agenda for next week's marketing-promotional meeting at work. Makes no sense whatsoever.

When I got to school, the nasty-ness started. I was at school. My teacher who I think is one of the characters on LOST, showed the class a TV program. I will just simply tell you what the program is about in one sentence.

"Japanese girls laying fish eggs on TV and put them into a jar to compare the sizes and later give them to the audience members as souvenirs".

I think I just violated some criminal laws by just typing that sentence out. It was really really really nasty, and even my dream-self was extremely grossed out. I remember they all lined up holding out their jar, and the contents look like salmon roes but much bigger with various colours...and odours!

I want to puke as I'm typing this out right now.

Then the grossest thing ever happened. This one girl went behind one of those hospital screens with an empty jar and started laying eggs LIVE! I heard this...long diarrhea sound and the audiences were screaming "SUGOIIIIIII" with admiration and she came out with one huge jar of salmon roes. HUUUUUGE ones! I wanted to throw up all over the place and then I woke up almost peed my pants from the horror.

The only explanation I have is I'm too stressed out and emotionally I am not in a good state for the past week. In all seriousness, one day after I got back from Japan's business trip two weeks ago, I had a very disappointing turn of event in my life. I do not want to get into the details but... when you are ready to put on a great effort to fix something that went wrong; when you think if you can work out the problems with maturity and expect the result would come with happiness and satisfaction so you are all hopeful and determined... then you are quickly and coldly shot down, it really puts you into a lonely state of isolation and depression with some mind fuck.

Also I think the fact that I was laughing at this company named OVUM TECHNOLOGY yesterday had something to do with the dream.

Life goes on, with the best you'll never had.

Haha someone works for OVUM hahaahha.

28!

Alrite I realize this blog is a massive fail because I don't update at all. But seriously, twenty-seven kinda sucked. So now, I turned twenty-eight a few weeks ago and since then I've passed out twice from drinking. Way to start my second last year with a 2 in front!

So for my birthday I had the usual dinner with friends and party with binge drinking. My friends were out to get me that night, and by 1AM I already felt hammered. I drank way too fast and the memories for the next two hours were whirlwinds in a beat up washing machine.

Things I can remember:

1) My shirt's buttons were ripped by NiNi (friend & male hetero sister), and I was semi-topless at a high end club.
2) Taking ugly pix with my friends and getting lap dances from each.
3) Calling a friend that couldn't come and bitched while squatting outside the club like I was taking a dump.

Things I cannot remember but there are photographic evidences:

1) I smoked. (I can't smoke. I have supreme sensitive gag reflexes. Last time I smoked I ended up in a hospital a day later with acute bronchitis from choking.)
2) I was licking a co-worker's leg.
3) I took off my shoes and fed it to NiNi.

A week later, I was shipped off to Tokyo for a business trip. The trip was pretty uneventful, and I walked from Tokyo train station to Tokyo tower because I'm obsessed with Namie Amuro's song "Baby Don't Cry" (check Youtube). I wanted to walk around Tokyo just like she did workin it. Once I reached Tokyo Tower, I was massively disappointed. There are no open area that you can see the tower from afar, and I did not feel like going up there alone.

So when I proceeded walking back to the hotel (it was at least a 1hr walk one way), I noticed this dude drinking beer on the street. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN DO THAT! I'm pretty sure in Toronto it's illegal to drink booze on the street openly. So, to get into the Tokyo culture, I went to a 7-11 and bought me some beer. I had an empty stomach, and the walk back was totally enjoyable.

Drinking on an empty stomach, that's how I roll.

Towards the end of my walk I tried to find a cheap restaurant, which I did. It was one of those ticket vending machine ramen ricebowl place, and as always the food was awesome. It took me 5 minutes to decide what I wanted, and I stood in front of the machine like an idiot until this waitress came and provided assistance. I think she had the hots for me.

Finally, last week another friend's bday and we booked a love motel with a private small pool. Theme of the night was still binge drinking.

Pix Here:


People passed out on top of wet sheets, puking, etc. etc. etc. In the end there were still four left standing with two unopened bottles of wine. The final four played rock/paper/scissors, loser drinks and swims. Next day all four of us found scrapes on our leg/arm with no regrets.

After three weeks of half assed exercising, I wanted to get back into shape so I went back to my routine that includes "interval cardio training", which is you semi sprint for 90 seconds, walk for 60, semi sprint a bit faster for 90, walk for 60, then repeat the whole cycle 4 times. It ended up like this:

Sprint-Sprint-Sprint-Walk-Walk-Walk-Sprint-Sprint-Sprint-Jog-Jog-Jog-DRY HEAVE!!!!!

Stray dogs were looking at me thinking "wtf is wrong with you dude!" So after that, I decided it's time to quit drinking.

For at least two weeks.

Relax, Eat An Apple

And take a deep breath.

2009 - What Happened So Far

I caved due to peer pressure and death threats, so I figure I shall write something at the start of 2009.

No New Year's resolution for me.

From past experiences, New Year's resolution never worked. Jog everyday? Fail. Study harder at school? Fail. Eat healthy? Fail.

So what's going on with me thus far in 2009? A flu. I woke feeling coughy groggy and achy, and dragged myself to work. First day back to work and I'm sick. I felt it during the weekend but tried to control it with my strong mental prowess, but I guess it didn't exist.

My Mom's back from Toronto, so I had to spend most of my free time with her since I only get to see her about three weeks every 6 months. I didn't show a single sign of illness in front of her, because it would be disobedient. That's right, we Chinese are messed up. Those who cling to traditions, e.g. my Mother, believe that they created their off springs therefore their offspring's body is of their own. Therefore if I don't take good care of myself and get myself sick, to them it's the same thing as making them sick because they own my body. Now what kind of a son am I for infecting on my parents with virus and making them ill?

To top it all off, my mom is also sick. She's sick in the body that my grandparents gave her.

Oh, and my first dream of 2009, was very fucked up. I am a very poor sleeper, I dream all the time and remember them vividly. Usually I dream about mundane stuff like flipping a textbook or going to the mall. But my first dream of 2009, was nothing but.

I dreamed about Full House. That's right, I may have a questionable wet dream about Aunt Becky. Note, the following will make absolutely no sense to you if you never watched Full House.

The dream took place in the living room of the Tanners. Danny was speaking, and I was sitting beside little DJ, little Stephanie, and little Michelle, although I have no idea what my relationship with the Tanners was.

The conversation was about Tanner's deceased mother/wife. I do not remember what the exact sentences were but I remember it was very touching. Little DJ was crying, little Stephanie was crying, Little Michelle was crying, and Little Randy was bawling. Then all of a sudden, Tanner wife/mom appeared, who looked EXACTLY like Aunt Becky. Except...Aunt Becky was decked out in full dominatrix gear! Full leather and a whip!

WHOOPAH! Aunt Becky whipped, it was very messed up. I was whipped, and I woke up very confused. Upon reflection, I think the dream was trying to tell me that I miss 90210 too much, as Aunt Becky is also in 90210.

Happy New Year!

27

I am officially 27 years old yesterday.

To mark this momentous event, I shall dedicate my birthday with a spontaneous haiku.

I'm now Twenty-Seven
Don't say I'm in late twenties
I will kick your face

Note: The word "twenty" is a two syllable word according to the internet. I have no idea why.

Citylife Randomness

When I Try to be Hip
One day I was sporting my backpack while listening to my iPod... strutting my stuff down the street pretending to be one of those really cool dudes from the iPod commercial... and I tripped and ATE IT on the floor. It was a total wipe-out, and I don't think I'll ever regain my hipness... sad times.

When 7-11 Is Trying to be Humorous

In Taiwan's 7-11 we have this prepaid cash card thingy called iCash. I had mine for years and it was pretty worn out. A few weeks ago I deposited some money in it, but right afterward the card reader couldn't pick up my card. I sent it in and 7-11 called me and told me they'll give me a new card with the same amount of money inside. Which was all fine for me, until I received the card.

7-11 sent me a limited edition, 30 Hours Famine collector's card. That's right, 30 Hours Famine Collector's card! On the card is this adorable African kid with the biggest smile holding up an empty bowl because he wants food.

Imagine this. I go to 7-11, and in one hand it is stuffed with junk food and fat and booze. And the other hand I pull out this card with a starving kid on the card promoting fund raising from not eating food. Funny 7-11, funny!

When I Discovered Electric Toothbrush
It was a revelation. I'm a lazy ass, so to get to stand there staring blindly into the mirror with my arms totally still while my teeth are getting cleaned, it's brilliant! I count this as one of my top three fondest discoveries of my life.

When I Still Hate Biz Trips

I was shipped off to Tokyo as the company slave, and as usual the trip sucked. However, the state-of-the-arts automatic ass washing toilet with blow dry was waiting for me (or rather, for my ass). Oh! I discovered the automatic ass washing toilet, is called the bidet. Bidet is actually a legit English word and not a made-believe Engrish, who knew! Unfortunately, when I'm on trips, the first few days my body is in a state where I cannot poop. Double unfortunately, this trip was only for a few days. So the only saving grace from my suffering of being the company slave, the bidet, could not be enjoyed by me. And I am not going to use the bidet without having to poop, because that's just sad.

When I Ran Around A Biz Hotel In My Undies

I forgot to pack a pair of shorts for the biz trip, so after I had my shower I was only in my boxers. Then I realized, there were no complementary mineral waters! I was thirsty from the dry Tokyo summer, and I needed my water. I was not about to walk out of my room in my undies though. I was, however, ready to walk out of my room in two layers of undies. I wore two pairs of boxers, pulled the outer one down a bit to my lower thighs trying to pass it off as a pair of shorts, and out I went. When I got my drink, I realized, wouldn't it be funny if I forgot to grab my room keys, and I had to go all the way down to the lobby in my undies to cry for help? WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY AND SWELL? Well I grabbed my keys with me, my life isn't THAT miserable.

When I Fantasized About Captain Janeway

Am I a major geek if during a indecisive meeting and no management could make any decisions, I want Captain Janeway to beam into the meeting room and make the decisions for us?

Captain Janeway: It seems to me, that none of you managements know what you are talking about. Therefore, I order you to do as I say. I don't compromise so GET ON WITH IT BITCHES.

When McD Screwed Me Over

MacDonalds screwed me, they screwed me over by releasing the new limited time meal called Olympic Gold Medal special. It features a super sized Big Mac, with FOUR beef patties. FOUR! This is exactly the same as last year's special limited time meal for a baseball promotion. But this time they named the burger the INVINCIBLE BIG MAC. The Big Mac is INVINCIBLE! With a name like that, you just have to have it! I had it for lunch today, and I feel sick. Sick and fat. Damn you McD!

TOEIC Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding

My company made everyone take the TOEIC exam. Some old Japanese dude decided it's a good idea since he scored decent, and even proposed that whoever gets over a score of 605 out of 990 will get a $6000 NT bonus.

The is an example of what TOEIC tests you.

Q: Please look at the above photo and choose one of the following that best describes the picture
A: Britney is drugged up.
B: A hippo is celebrating its birthday.
C: Martians have invaded Earth.

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You get the idea.

Anyways, when I received the memo, I immediately rejoiced because WOOHOO FREE CASH! I turned to my boss and said to him, how about just give me the cash right now, it'll save the company my registration fee. My boss laughed, then ignored me. Pfft~

Free cash aside, I was a bit annoyed with the new policy...strictly because of the taking the exam part. I friggin hate written exams. You can tell from one of my previous posts that I was traumatized for life by all the vile, soul torching finals. But hey, when was the last time that I can walk into an exam without having to study, and for sure ace a written exam that consists of 200 multiple choices...MULTIPLE CHOICES! I used to hate these, they were frequently multiple guesses for me. Always pick C!

So, exam time. The first part was the listening test. First few portions were hella easy. But the last portion, which the recording plays a passage and afterward you have to answer questions that described the passage. That gave me some troubles. The first several questions of the last portion were easy, but after 20 passages of boring non consequential blabbering, I lost my focus and concentration. I think the last passage was this dude making an announcement of some construction plans in an atrium of a shopping mall or something... As the recording played, my brains started talking "Why is the dude talking so much?? What's he yammering on about??? This dude is like, the dude that wouldn't shut up!!!! Wow finally, peace and quiet..."

Recording: Now please read the first question and choose the best answer.
Me: ........Huh!!? No No NO NO NO! Replay replay replay no fair!

Then the next four questions were...sigh....multiple guesses............sigh....C...

Second part of the exam was reading comprehension, where we have to read stuff and answer stuff. They were all very elementary, and I finished the exam with a lot of time to spare. I had time to check my work twice! When was the last time that I even finished a exam let alone having the time to check over my work!?

The scores were released a few days ago, and BOOM 970.

Muahahahah 970/990, I rocked. I rocked an easy English exam that grade schoolers could score the same. But no matter, I rocked. No surprise though, about 80% of my coworkers received over 605. Interestingly, more high ranking employees flunked!

My manager flunked. No surprise though, his English sucked~ He's the kind of person that likes to... analyze English with me when we were on trains or cars on our way to customer visits. I do not enjoy when he tries to have a discussion with me about the English grammar, because one, I have very poor grammar (as you can tell from reading the blog), and two, who the hell cares what the hell a 'gerund' is.

Also, every time my manager opens his mouth to speak English, I just want to rip out my ear drums. He tries to speak very quick all the time but cannot enunciate any syllables at all. For example, the phrase 'this project is a volume zone project', out of my manger's mouth would become something like 'lis projec is aroum rum projec exaaaartly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah', VERBATIM. It's THIS bad.

Back to my awesome 970. The report card has a breakdown of how you did in the listening and reading portions. I receiver 495 for listening, and 475 for reading. WTF!? I freakin multiple guessed a few questions and I recieved 495/495 on the listening, and I checked over my work twice for the reading portion but I lost twenty points on that instead!

The world is always screwed up like that.

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding $6000NT.

Morning Musume Is My God Now

This weekend was momentous. I considered it one of the happiest time of my life. That's right, it was the MORNING MUSUME CONCERT!

When it was announced back in February, and once the box office opened, I mad hammered the internet trying to get my tickets. Due to the high traffic, you could only buy the 'area' but couldn't pick your seats. The seats were randomly decided by the Organizer, so no one knew what their seats were until they received the tickets in the mail. I got the tickets in the beginning of April I think, and I got third row center tickets.

THIRD ROW CENTER, BITCHES!

I have one of the worst luck in the world, but this time lady luck have smiled upon me. I consider this one of the most fortunate event of my life.

So I waited and waited, with my cool coworkers giving me any newspaper cutout of Morning Musume so I could put it up on my cubicle. I liked the group for ten years and finally I can see them live. I tried to prepare myself as the concert drew near by constantly listen to their singles over and over again, but you really can't prepare yourself for the awesomeness that is Morning Musume Concert.

Finally, the long wait was over.

I decided that I shall head over to the concert hall around 4pm, with the concert starting at 7. I wanted to go early so I could buy some nifty merchandises. But once I got there, the line for the merch was huuuuuuge. It was insane! I lined up for an hour until this dude with a crew badge came over and told the line that most of the phat loots were sold out. I decided this dude wearing a crew badge was just another fan trying to scam the line into thinking the phat loots were gone so he could keep it all to himself. Sneaky sneaky. When I got to the front, the dude behind the counter said, ALL SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR SMALL T SHIRTS FOR LITTLE GIRLS THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY FIT IN. At least that's what I heard so I was extremely upset. Goddamn it no phat loot! I guess there's always online auctions.

So I entered my THIRD ROW CENTER seat with my friend and it was soooooooooo close to the stage I almost cried. A bunch of dudes walked up to the front green with jealousy, and I sat there looking like a king.

Then the concert started.

HOLY SHIT IT WAS AWESOME. There was a fan-organized thingy that the audience will all hold up blue glow sticks for the opening song "Resonant Blue". Each individual solos will be a different colour corresponding to each members, and the encore will be pink. It was a sight to behold, the awesomeness of Taiwanese fans. Morning Musume were so touched and shocked that the leader, Takahashi Ai, AKA My Bride to be, acknowledged the glow stick awesomeness in which everyone went wild.

The leader of Morning Musume, Takahashi Ai, AKA my Bride to be, is a Goddess. THIRD ROW CENTER was really close so I tried to make eye contacts with all of them. Takahashi Ai, AKA my Bride to be, looked at me several times... or at least in my general direction, but I still insist that she meant to look at me and me only.

Then miracle happened.

I taped my blue and pink glow sticks into letters "A" and "I" to spell my Bride to be's first name AI as an attempt to get her attention. And during the encore, she pointed at me. SHE FUCKING POINTED AT ME!

I will say it again, TAKAHASHI AI, AKA MY BRIDE TO BE, FUCKING POINTED AT ME AND SMILED. I DO, TAKAHASHI AI, I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I melted into my seat when it was all over, and just sat there trying to think what to name our children, then all nine members came out the stage again!

The crowed went crazy again. We were THAT awesome that we made them came out again. There were about 250 fans from Japan, and they thanked Taiwan in unison from being awesome. There were also lines of fans from Japan and Taiwan shaking hands...like in a baseball game. We were THAT awesome. Morning Musume can bring world peace.

Morning Musume are Goddesses! They are Deities!!! I shall build a shrine to worship the awesomeness of Morning Musume. SCREW YOU REGULAR MAINSTREAM SUPERNATURAL BEINGS OF SUPREME POWER, MORNING MUSUME IS MY GOD NOW!

LOLZ

My bro sent me this just now and I almost got in trouble from laughing and spitting chips at my laptop

glumbert - The Science Of Ball To Groin

sux to be him

Cursin' GrandMa

My GrandMa is a lovely 83 years old with good health. However since my GrandDaddy passed away about ten years ago she started shrinking in size and brain power... We try our best to not let her fade away so we all do our very best to keep her brains active and accompanied. Of course being your stereotypical Chinese family, we do that by playing MahJhong.

When GrandMa plays MJ, she has an unknown hellbent power source to draw from, and she curses like a Northern Chinese brute.

Before going into details, I'd like to introduce the cast:

Me: The adorably lovable grandson/son/nephew that everyone loves.
MyDad: MJ expert of the family who is getting obese.
MyMom: MJ half-expert of the family who is getting obese.
PsycAunt: Psycology Professor Aunt who likes to make retarded noises on the MJ table.
NagAunt: Aunt that likes to nag lovingly and suck at MJ.
GrandMa: Who cannot remembers what she had for lunch five minutes ago but knows how many to win with a full suit.

These are some typical verbal exchanges at the MJ table:

PsychAunt: MJ is easy and I'm the best LALALALALA WO WO WO WO WO GAGAGOGO *gibberish*
NagAunt: Shut your mouth please it's annoying.
PsychAunt: Whatever, I do what I want!
Grandma: Yo Mama! You are annoying the hell out of me.
Me: GrandMa you really shouldn't say that cuz you're really just cursing at yourself.
Grandma: You want me to spank you boy?

***

NagAunt: PON!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Yeah I'm da QUEEN! Wait! This may screw up my hand... Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see....hmmmm, wait.... um....should I.... wait....if I play this I may lose...
GrandMa: YO MAMA! HURRY UP!
NagAunt: Alrite I'll let this tile go
GrandMa: You suck, I win, pay up!
NagAunt: I knew it!
GrandMa: .........................................so who won?

***

MyDad: OMG This hand sucks! Worst hand EVAR! Why don't I just lay all my tiles in the open so all of you can see how sucky my hand is.
MyMom: Don't embarrass yourself
GrandMa: YO MAMA! You are dishonoring our family AND the MJ table. Who raised you?

***

We only let GrandMa to play at max 1500NT, if she loses it all then she doesn't have to pay anymore. However for some reason she always think she has a lot more money than we let her play with...and when it comes to discussion about money GrandMa will always take it up a notch.

MyDad: GrandMa you're broke for today.
GrandMa: How much did I lose?
MyMom: $1500NT, we counted for you.
GrandMa: BULL! I had at least $4000NT
MyMom: No we counted for you before it started, you only had $2000NT and we only let you play with $1500NT.
MyDad: Yup we counted.
GrandMa: You are all liars! YO GRANDMAMA!
MyMom: *whimpers*
PsycAunt *in English so my GrandMa couldn't understand us* : GrandMa is confused, we should really pay more caution to this...
GrandMa: Why are you speaking in a language that I do not understand.
PsycAunt: You are so adorable GrandMa.
GrandMa: ARE YOU MY MAMA OR AM I YOUR MAMA! YOU UNGRATEFUL DAUGHTER!
PsycAunt: *giggles*
GrandMa: YO GRANDMAMA!
***

Which reminds me of a very cute anecdote. My grandparents are from the ShangDong province before they came to Taiwan. They have thick ShangDong-ese accents, and along with that is the usual 'greet your mama's private part' cussing. Much alike the c*** word in the English language (I apologize for the offensive word).

Whenever my grandparents fight, their MAMA and GRANDMAMA would all be out in the open verbally, and their private parts are all fair game. They use this so much and so liberally that it lost all meanings for me.

Once upon a time when I was probably only nine years old, my little cousin scared the shit out of everyone, she was three at the time.

MyCousin: I don't want dinner, I want pudding!
GrandMa: No, be a good bunny and eat your dinner.
MyCousin: But I want pudding!
GrandMa: No, if you don't eat your dinner, no pudding, and no TV for you!

MyCousin screamed on top of her three years old lung: YO GRANDMAMA'S C*** ^>.<^!!!!

She delivered it beautifully, and my grandparents stopped swearing until we became adults.

I Got Owned In My Dream

I had a horrid reoccuring dream last night.

In my dream, I was sitting on a bus on my way to a beach resort wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping mai tai. It was a happy dream. Then, I opened my backpack and took out my power electronics text book and started studying.

It appeared that I had four exams to write in one week, and I managed to skip all of my power electronics lectures so I had to self-teach myself meanwhile still had to study for the other three ass whoopingly hard electrical engineering exams.

I told myself, in my dream, that I could do this. One day each for the three subjects, and the remaining time will be for power electronics. At the same time, I was sitting on a bus on my way to a beach resort wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping mai tai. Jolly good time!

I felt confident, full or spirit, and ready to rock the exams to get my degree. The dream was glorious!

When I arrived at the beach destination, the bus full of university students were whisked off to a concrete building with cold desks and cold seats. From that point on the dream started to suck, because it was exam time.

Me: WTF!? NOW!? WTFWTFWTF!?
Random Hag: Please leave all of your bags at the back, and take a seat. You will have two and a half hours to complete the exam. Please also have your student ID ready for inspection.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO /Vader.

I flipped through the exam, and it was a typical University of Toronto ECE exam from hell. Five questions for a 150 minutes exam. FIVE GODDAMNED DIFFICULT QUESTIONS. My eyes started to well up, realizing my dream of finishing school and go on to get a cushy job was cruelly shattered by the demonic faculty. Then a voice projected across the room,

Random Hag: Ten minutes left.
Me: *sob* *sob* *sob*
Random Hag: QUIET YOU, NO SOBBING.
Me: *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* Why is power electronics so hard... *sob*
Random Hag: This is Electric-Mechanical Energy Transfer, not Power Electronics.
Me: fuck...
Random Hag: Times up bitches.
Classmate A: That was freakin easy, what that hell was that!
Me: Fuck You.
Classmate B: I aced that! I thought it was going to be hard!
Me: Fuck You.
Classmate C: I had so much time left to double check my work, they should've make more questions I had more than enough time.
Me: Fuck You.

In real life, I failed Electric-Mechanical Energy Transfer in my Third Year. During the real exam, I didn't know what I was doing and started writing self-appreciative notes to my prof as an attempt to fish for sympathy. My prof promptly failed me and I had to take it again in my Fourth with a barely passing grade. I hated that course, and it hated me. I swore to myself that I would never ever touch that subject ever again. But the stupid thing had haunted my dream for the past four years.

Luckily, it was just a dream, and I can always wake up with my diploma hanging on the wall in my room looking mighty fine. With that degree I was able to get a decent challenging job and living comfortably.

See, I'm sitting here in the nicely air-con office sipping bubble tea without my shoes on, and updating the blog.

I work hard for my money.

A Song About Periods

A few weeks ago several of my coworkers and myself went to karaoke to celebrate two of their bday. I meant to write about this at that time, but I was too lazy. Procrastination for the win!

Anyways, the party was around dinner time, and this particular karaoke place in Taipei had all you can eat buffet. There was also a counter where you can order gourmet dishes such as BBQ duck burritos. A colleague along with myself went over to the counter and told the chef, two of everything they got. "Two of everything?" asked the chef. "Two of everything", we replied.

Of course we could not finish all the food, and we had booze...so one thing led to another there was a mini food fight. All normal routines.

Now there is one VERY amusing (I dunno if this is a good description, you decide after you read it) story. My colleague, the bday boy, a semi-metro-sexual male, picked this song to sing titled.... in English... "I'm Menstruating".

I shit you not.

The song described the physical and emotional struggle of a woman going through her period. My jaw dropped as Mr. bday boy gave his emotional rendition of the song, meanwhile other people just sat there listened while chewing their food. One girl asked, "who's the singer, I've never heard of the song before..." *chew* *chew* *chew* *gobble* *gobble* YUM'

Apparently, I was the only that found the song... weird, to put it mildly.

The music video was a whole other thing, you have NO IDEA. It featured the singer, who is a skinny tall modelesque woman in her twenties, strolling along in the city. She was wearing this REALLY puffy satin skirt, with red blotches...

I shit you not.

Now I am not familiar with female hygienic products, but I do believe there is a such thing called TAMPONS.

So this woman in the music video, is just minding her own business in the city, riding a cab while looking out the window deep in her own thoughts... Then all of a sudden....a little girl around 7 or 8 appeared behind her! This girl, was wearing a plain white dress, with a tiara decorated with red feathers O_O.

Now I am not a sex education teacher but I did pass all of my sex education courses. So I am PRETTY sure that when a woman is menstruating, she's in a biological stage that's the exact opposite of GIVING BIRTH.

And the thing that really got me was, it wasn't a comedic song like Weird Al's... This 'I'm Menstruating' song is a legit honest song, describing the physical and emotional struggle of a woman going through her period. I went on youtube and was trying to look for it so I can put it on here, but i made one of the biggest mistake of my life by typing in 'I'm Menstruating' in the search field and hit 'search'.

On a unrelated story, I just got back from a sucky business trip from China last week, and over the weekend I had a stomach flu with fever. It really really sucked to be constipated in one hour and then had diarrhea in the next. Maybe I should write a song describing the physical and emotional struggle of me going through my stomach flu, called 'I'm Constipating'.

Now THAT'S a song!