8.25.2008

27

I am officially 27 years old yesterday.

To mark this momentous event, I shall dedicate my birthday with a spontaneous haiku.

I'm now Twenty-Seven
Don't say I'm in late twenties
I will kick your face

Note: The word "twenty" is a two syllable word according to the internet. I have no idea why.

7.24.2008

Citylife Randomness

When I Try to be Hip
One day I was sporting my backpack while listening to my iPod... strutting my stuff down the street pretending to be one of those really cool dudes from the iPod commercial... and I tripped and ATE IT on the floor. It was a total wipe-out, and I don't think I'll ever regain my hipness... sad times.

When 7-11 Is Trying to be Humorous

In Taiwan's 7-11 we have this prepaid cash card thingy called iCash. I had mine for years and it was pretty worn out. A few weeks ago I deposited some money in it, but right afterward the card reader couldn't pick up my card. I sent it in and 7-11 called me and told me they'll give me a new card with the same amount of money inside. Which was all fine for me, until I received the card.

7-11 sent me a limited edition, 30 Hours Famine collector's card. That's right, 30 Hours Famine Collector's card! On the card is this adorable African kid with the biggest smile holding up an empty bowl because he wants food.

Imagine this. I go to 7-11, and in one hand it is stuffed with junk food and fat and booze. And the other hand I pull out this card with a starving kid on the card promoting fund raising from not eating food. Funny 7-11, funny!

When I Discovered Electric Toothbrush
It was a revelation. I'm a lazy ass, so to get to stand there staring blindly into the mirror with my arms totally still while my teeth are getting cleaned, it's brilliant! I count this as one of my top three fondest discoveries of my life.

When I Still Hate Biz Trips

I was shipped off to Tokyo as the company slave, and as usual the trip sucked. However, the state-of-the-arts automatic ass washing toilet with blow dry was waiting for me (or rather, for my ass). Oh! I discovered the automatic ass washing toilet, is called the bidet. Bidet is actually a legit English word and not a made-believe Engrish, who knew! Unfortunately, when I'm on trips, the first few days my body is in a state where I cannot poop. Double unfortunately, this trip was only for a few days. So the only saving grace from my suffering of being the company slave, the bidet, could not be enjoyed by me. And I am not going to use the bidet without having to poop, because that's just sad.

When I Ran Around A Biz Hotel In My Undies

I forgot to pack a pair of shorts for the biz trip, so after I had my shower I was only in my boxers. Then I realized, there were no complementary mineral waters! I was thirsty from the dry Tokyo summer, and I needed my water. I was not about to walk out of my room in my undies though. I was, however, ready to walk out of my room in two layers of undies. I wore two pairs of boxers, pulled the outer one down a bit to my lower thighs trying to pass it off as a pair of shorts, and out I went. When I got my drink, I realized, wouldn't it be funny if I forgot to grab my room keys, and I had to go all the way down to the lobby in my undies to cry for help? WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY AND SWELL? Well I grabbed my keys with me, my life isn't THAT miserable.

When I Fantasized About Captain Janeway

Am I a major geek if during a indecisive meeting and no management could make any decisions, I want Captain Janeway to beam into the meeting room and make the decisions for us?

Captain Janeway: It seems to me, that none of you managements know what you are talking about. Therefore, I order you to do as I say. I don't compromise so GET ON WITH IT BITCHES.

When McD Screwed Me Over

MacDonalds screwed me, they screwed me over by releasing the new limited time meal called Olympic Gold Medal special. It features a super sized Big Mac, with FOUR beef patties. FOUR! This is exactly the same as last year's special limited time meal for a baseball promotion. But this time they named the burger the INVINCIBLE BIG MAC. The Big Mac is INVINCIBLE! With a name like that, you just have to have it! I had it for lunch today, and I feel sick. Sick and fat. Damn you McD!

6.17.2008

TOEIC Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding

My company made everyone take the TOEIC exam. Some old Japanese dude decided it's a good idea since he scored decent, and even proposed that whoever gets over a score of 605 out of 990 will get a $6000 NT bonus.

The is an example of what TOEIC tests you.

Q: Please look at the above photo and choose one of the following that best describes the picture
A: Britney is drugged up.
B: A hippo is celebrating its birthday.
C: Martians have invaded Earth.

....
....
....

You get the idea.

Anyways, when I received the memo, I immediately rejoiced because WOOHOO FREE CASH! I turned to my boss and said to him, how about just give me the cash right now, it'll save the company my registration fee. My boss laughed, then ignored me. Pfft~

Free cash aside, I was a bit annoyed with the new policy...strictly because of the taking the exam part. I friggin hate written exams. You can tell from one of my previous posts that I was traumatized for life by all the vile, soul torching finals. But hey, when was the last time that I can walk into an exam without having to study, and for sure ace a written exam that consists of 200 multiple choices...MULTIPLE CHOICES! I used to hate these, they were frequently multiple guesses for me. Always pick C!

So, exam time. The first part was the listening test. First few portions were hella easy. But the last portion, which the recording plays a passage and afterward you have to answer questions that described the passage. That gave me some troubles. The first several questions of the last portion were easy, but after 20 passages of boring non consequential blabbering, I lost my focus and concentration. I think the last passage was this dude making an announcement of some construction plans in an atrium of a shopping mall or something... As the recording played, my brains started talking "Why is the dude talking so much?? What's he yammering on about??? This dude is like, the dude that wouldn't shut up!!!! Wow finally, peace and quiet..."

Recording: Now please read the first question and choose the best answer.
Me: ........Huh!!? No No NO NO NO! Replay replay replay no fair!

Then the next four questions were...sigh....multiple guesses............sigh....C...

Second part of the exam was reading comprehension, where we have to read stuff and answer stuff. They were all very elementary, and I finished the exam with a lot of time to spare. I had time to check my work twice! When was the last time that I even finished a exam let alone having the time to check over my work!?

The scores were released a few days ago, and BOOM 970.

Muahahahah 970/990, I rocked. I rocked an easy English exam that grade schoolers could score the same. But no matter, I rocked. No surprise though, about 80% of my coworkers received over 605. Interestingly, more high ranking employees flunked!

My manager flunked. No surprise though, his English sucked~ He's the kind of person that likes to... analyze English with me when we were on trains or cars on our way to customer visits. I do not enjoy when he tries to have a discussion with me about the English grammar, because one, I have very poor grammar (as you can tell from reading the blog), and two, who the hell cares what the hell a 'gerund' is.

Also, every time my manager opens his mouth to speak English, I just want to rip out my ear drums. He tries to speak very quick all the time but cannot enunciate any syllables at all. For example, the phrase 'this project is a volume zone project', out of my manger's mouth would become something like 'lis projec is aroum rum projec exaaaartly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah', VERBATIM. It's THIS bad.

Back to my awesome 970. The report card has a breakdown of how you did in the listening and reading portions. I receiver 495 for listening, and 475 for reading. WTF!? I freakin multiple guessed a few questions and I recieved 495/495 on the listening, and I checked over my work twice for the reading portion but I lost twenty points on that instead!

The world is always screwed up like that.

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding $6000NT.

5.26.2008

Morning Musume Is My God Now


This weekend was momentous. I considered it one of the happiest time of my life. That's right, it was the MORNING MUSUME CONCERT!

When it was announced back in February, and once the box office opened, I mad hammered the internet trying to get my tickets. Due to the high traffic, you could only buy the 'area' but couldn't pick your seats. The seats were randomly decided by the Organizer, so no one knew what their seats were until they received the tickets in the mail. I got the tickets in the beginning of April I think, and I got third row center tickets.

THIRD ROW CENTER, BITCHES!

I have one of the worst luck in the world, but this time lady luck have smiled upon me. I consider this one of the most fortunate event of my life.

So I waited and waited, with my cool coworkers giving me any newspaper cutout of Morning Musume so I could put it up on my cubicle. I liked the group for ten years and finally I can see them live. I tried to prepare myself as the concert drew near by constantly listen to their singles over and over again, but you really can't prepare yourself for the awesomeness that is Morning Musume Concert.

Finally, the long wait was over.

I decided that I shall head over to the concert hall around 4pm, with the concert starting at 7. I wanted to go early so I could buy some nifty merchandises. But once I got there, the line for the merch was huuuuuuge. It was insane! I lined up for an hour until this dude with a crew badge came over and told the line that most of the phat loots were sold out. I decided this dude wearing a crew badge was just another fan trying to scam the line into thinking the phat loots were gone so he could keep it all to himself. Sneaky sneaky. When I got to the front, the dude behind the counter said, ALL SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR SMALL T SHIRTS FOR LITTLE GIRLS THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY FIT IN. At least that's what I heard so I was extremely upset. Goddamn it no phat loot! I guess there's always online auctions.

So I entered my THIRD ROW CENTER seat with my friend and it was soooooooooo close to the stage I almost cried. A bunch of dudes walked up to the front green with jealousy, and I sat there looking like a king.

Then the concert started.

HOLY SHIT IT WAS AWESOME. There was a fan-organized thingy that the audience will all hold up blue glow sticks for the opening song "Resonant Blue". Each individual solos will be a different colour corresponding to each members, and the encore will be pink. It was a sight to behold, the awesomeness of Taiwanese fans. Morning Musume were so touched and shocked that the leader, Takahashi Ai, AKA My Bride to be, acknowledged the glow stick awesomeness in which everyone went wild.

The leader of Morning Musume, Takahashi Ai, AKA my Bride to be, is a Goddess. THIRD ROW CENTER was really close so I tried to make eye contacts with all of them. Takahashi Ai, AKA my Bride to be, looked at me several times... or at least in my general direction, but I still insist that she meant to look at me and me only.

Then miracle happened.

I taped my blue and pink glow sticks into letters "A" and "I" to spell my Bride to be's first name AI as an attempt to get her attention. And during the encore, she pointed at me. SHE FUCKING POINTED AT ME!

I will say it again, TAKAHASHI AI, AKA MY BRIDE TO BE, FUCKING POINTED AT ME AND SMILED. I DO, TAKAHASHI AI, I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I melted into my seat when it was all over, and just sat there trying to think what to name our children, then all nine members came out the stage again!

The crowed went crazy again. We were THAT awesome that we made them came out again. There were about 250 fans from Japan, and they thanked Taiwan in unison from being awesome. There were also lines of fans from Japan and Taiwan shaking hands...like in a baseball game. We were THAT awesome. Morning Musume can bring world peace.

Morning Musume are Goddesses! They are Deities!!! I shall build a shrine to worship the awesomeness of Morning Musume. SCREW YOU REGULAR MAINSTREAM SUPERNATURAL BEINGS OF SUPREME POWER, MORNING MUSUME IS MY GOD NOW!

5.22.2008

LOLZ

My bro sent me this just now and I almost got in trouble from laughing and spitting chips at my laptop




sux to be him

5.13.2008

Cursin' GrandMa

My GrandMa is a lovely 83 years old with good health. However since my GrandDaddy passed away about ten years ago she started shrinking in size and brain power... We try our best to not let her fade away so we all do our very best to keep her brains active and accompanied. Of course being your stereotypical Chinese family, we do that by playing MahJhong.

When GrandMa plays MJ, she has an unknown hellbent power source to draw from, and she curses like a Northern Chinese brute.

Before going into details, I'd like to introduce the cast:

Me: The adorably lovable grandson/son/nephew that everyone loves.
MyDad: MJ expert of the family who is getting obese.
MyMom: MJ half-expert of the family who is getting obese.
PsycAunt: Psycology Professor Aunt who likes to make retarded noises on the MJ table.
NagAunt: Aunt that likes to nag lovingly and suck at MJ.
GrandMa: Who cannot remembers what she had for lunch five minutes ago but knows how many to win with a full suit.

These are some typical verbal exchanges at the MJ table:

PsychAunt: MJ is easy and I'm the best LALALALALA WO WO WO WO WO GAGAGOGO *gibberish*
NagAunt: Shut your mouth please it's annoying.
PsychAunt: Whatever, I do what I want!
Grandma: Yo Mama! You are annoying the hell out of me.
Me: GrandMa you really shouldn't say that cuz you're really just cursing at yourself.
Grandma: You want me to spank you boy?

***

NagAunt: PON!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Yeah I'm da QUEEN! Wait! This may screw up my hand... Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see....hmmmm, wait.... um....should I.... wait....if I play this I may lose...
GrandMa: YO MAMA! HURRY UP!
NagAunt: Alrite I'll let this tile go
GrandMa: You suck, I win, pay up!
NagAunt: I knew it!
GrandMa: .........................................so who won?

***

MyDad: OMG This hand sucks! Worst hand EVAR! Why don't I just lay all my tiles in the open so all of you can see how sucky my hand is.
MyMom: Don't embarrass yourself
GrandMa: YO MAMA! You are dishonoring our family AND the MJ table. Who raised you?

***

We only let GrandMa to play at max 1500NT, if she loses it all then she doesn't have to pay anymore. However for some reason she always think she has a lot more money than we let her play with...and when it comes to discussion about money GrandMa will always take it up a notch.

MyDad: GrandMa you're broke for today.
GrandMa: How much did I lose?
MyMom: $1500NT, we counted for you.
GrandMa: BULL! I had at least $4000NT
MyMom: No we counted for you before it started, you only had $2000NT and we only let you play with $1500NT.
MyDad: Yup we counted.
GrandMa: You are all liars! YO GRANDMAMA!
MyMom: *whimpers*
PsycAunt *in English so my GrandMa couldn't understand us* : GrandMa is confused, we should really pay more caution to this...
GrandMa: Why are you speaking in a language that I do not understand.
PsycAunt: You are so adorable GrandMa.
GrandMa: ARE YOU MY MAMA OR AM I YOUR MAMA! YOU UNGRATEFUL DAUGHTER!
PsycAunt: *giggles*
GrandMa: YO GRANDMAMA!
***

Which reminds me of a very cute anecdote. My grandparents are from the ShangDong province before they came to Taiwan. They have thick ShangDong-ese accents, and along with that is the usual 'greet your mama's private part' cussing. Much alike the c*** word in the English language (I apologize for the offensive word).

Whenever my grandparents fight, their MAMA and GRANDMAMA would all be out in the open verbally, and their private parts are all fair game. They use this so much and so liberally that it lost all meanings for me.

Once upon a time when I was probably only nine years old, my little cousin scared the shit out of everyone, she was three at the time.

MyCousin: I don't want dinner, I want pudding!
GrandMa: No, be a good bunny and eat your dinner.
MyCousin: But I want pudding!
GrandMa: No, if you don't eat your dinner, no pudding, and no TV for you!

MyCousin screamed on top of her three years old lung: YO GRANDMAMA'S C*** ^>.<^!!!!

She delivered it beautifully, and my grandparents stopped swearing until we became adults.

5.08.2008

I Got Owned In My Dream


I had a horrid reoccuring dream last night.

In my dream, I was sitting on a bus on my way to a beach resort wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping mai tai. It was a happy dream. Then, I opened my backpack and took out my power electronics text book and started studying.

It appeared that I had four exams to write in one week, and I managed to skip all of my power electronics lectures so I had to self-teach myself meanwhile still had to study for the other three ass whoopingly hard electrical engineering exams.

I told myself, in my dream, that I could do this. One day each for the three subjects, and the remaining time will be for power electronics. At the same time, I was sitting on a bus on my way to a beach resort wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping mai tai. Jolly good time!

I felt confident, full or spirit, and ready to rock the exams to get my degree. The dream was glorious!

When I arrived at the beach destination, the bus full of university students were whisked off to a concrete building with cold desks and cold seats. From that point on the dream started to suck, because it was exam time.

Me: WTF!? NOW!? WTFWTFWTF!?
Random Hag: Please leave all of your bags at the back, and take a seat. You will have two and a half hours to complete the exam. Please also have your student ID ready for inspection.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO /Vader.

I flipped through the exam, and it was a typical University of Toronto ECE exam from hell. Five questions for a 150 minutes exam. FIVE GODDAMNED DIFFICULT QUESTIONS. My eyes started to well up, realizing my dream of finishing school and go on to get a cushy job was cruelly shattered by the demonic faculty. Then a voice projected across the room,

Random Hag: Ten minutes left.
Me: *sob* *sob* *sob*
Random Hag: QUIET YOU, NO SOBBING.
Me: *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* Why is power electronics so hard... *sob*
Random Hag: This is Electric-Mechanical Energy Transfer, not Power Electronics.
Me: fuck...
Random Hag: Times up bitches.
Classmate A: That was freakin easy, what that hell was that!
Me: Fuck You.
Classmate B: I aced that! I thought it was going to be hard!
Me: Fuck You.
Classmate C: I had so much time left to double check my work, they should've make more questions I had more than enough time.
Me: Fuck You.

In real life, I failed Electric-Mechanical Energy Transfer in my Third Year. During the real exam, I didn't know what I was doing and started writing self-appreciative notes to my prof as an attempt to fish for sympathy. My prof promptly failed me and I had to take it again in my Fourth with a barely passing grade. I hated that course, and it hated me. I swore to myself that I would never ever touch that subject ever again. But the stupid thing had haunted my dream for the past four years.

Luckily, it was just a dream, and I can always wake up with my diploma hanging on the wall in my room looking mighty fine. With that degree I was able to get a decent challenging job and living comfortably.

See, I'm sitting here in the nicely air-con office sipping bubble tea without my shoes on, and updating the blog.

I work hard for my money.

3.13.2008

A Song About Periods

A few weeks ago several of my coworkers and myself went to karaoke to celebrate two of their bday. I meant to write about this at that time, but I was too lazy. Procrastination for the win!

Anyways, the party was around dinner time, and this particular karaoke place in Taipei had all you can eat buffet. There was also a counter where you can order gourmet dishes such as BBQ duck burritos. A colleague along with myself went over to the counter and told the chef, two of everything they got. "Two of everything?" asked the chef. "Two of everything", we replied.

Of course we could not finish all the food, and we had booze...so one thing led to another there was a mini food fight. All normal routines.

Now there is one VERY amusing (I dunno if this is a good description, you decide after you read it) story. My colleague, the bday boy, a semi-metro-sexual male, picked this song to sing titled.... in English... "I'm Menstruating".

I shit you not.

The song described the physical and emotional struggle of a woman going through her period. My jaw dropped as Mr. bday boy gave his emotional rendition of the song, meanwhile other people just sat there listened while chewing their food. One girl asked, "who's the singer, I've never heard of the song before..." *chew* *chew* *chew* *gobble* *gobble* YUM'

Apparently, I was the only that found the song... weird, to put it mildly.

The music video was a whole other thing, you have NO IDEA. It featured the singer, who is a skinny tall modelesque woman in her twenties, strolling along in the city. She was wearing this REALLY puffy satin skirt, with red blotches...

I shit you not.

Now I am not familiar with female hygienic products, but I do believe there is a such thing called TAMPONS.

So this woman in the music video, is just minding her own business in the city, riding a cab while looking out the window deep in her own thoughts... Then all of a sudden....a little girl around 7 or 8 appeared behind her! This girl, was wearing a plain white dress, with a tiara decorated with red feathers O_O.

Now I am not a sex education teacher but I did pass all of my sex education courses. So I am PRETTY sure that when a woman is menstruating, she's in a biological stage that's the exact opposite of GIVING BIRTH.

And the thing that really got me was, it wasn't a comedic song like Weird Al's... This 'I'm Menstruating' song is a legit honest song, describing the physical and emotional struggle of a woman going through her period. I went on youtube and was trying to look for it so I can put it on here, but i made one of the biggest mistake of my life by typing in 'I'm Menstruating' in the search field and hit 'search'.

On a unrelated story, I just got back from a sucky business trip from China last week, and over the weekend I had a stomach flu with fever. It really really sucked to be constipated in one hour and then had diarrhea in the next. Maybe I should write a song describing the physical and emotional struggle of me going through my stomach flu, called 'I'm Constipating'.

Now THAT'S a song!

2.09.2008

Chinese New Years Kicks My Working Ass

It's that time of the year, where Chinese across the globe welcome the new Lunar New Years by feeding ourselves with food and show our love to our descendants with trustworthy cash. Now that I'm working and financially independent, I no longer receive the family love in the form of sweet sweet cash from my family.

I still remember the days when I would be on the receiving end of the love. My young naive self would thank every adults with happy dances like hobos bumming weed on Queen's St. Keyword in the previous sentence, is naive. My parents would collect all of the sweet cash for me, and they 'claim' to put them into a savings account for my future education....my ass. I'm sure though, that every Chinese parents are in this ultimate scam against the Chinese youth. Maybe when the new parents are expecting they would receive a pamphlet in the hospital to let them in on the scam.

So kids, next time your parents want to take your CNY money, fight for it with your dear life. Because otherwise you'll never ever see the money again, EVER. Don't let them scam you into believing that the CNY fat loot goes towards your college tuition or something, cuz trust me they are not.

(shhh don't tell my future kids)